Couple counselling (sometimes called relationship therapy) is no longer referred to as
'Marriage Guidance', because marriage does not always apply to relationships. Couple counselling also applies
to heterosexual relations, same sex relations, and bi-relationships.
First and foremost, Counselling works by giving both of you the
chance to be heard. Your Counsellor should give you all the time you need to talk, cry, shout, or just think. It's an
opportunity for you to look at the problem from different perspectives, with someone who'll respect and
encourage your opinions and the decisions you make.
Sometimes the problems in relationships are due to external forces that seem beyond your control, i.e. work, ill health,
alcohol or drug abuse, parents, grand parents, step-children, ex partners and in-laws, and the impact this has on your
relationship may feel overwhelming.
Or the problems you are experiencing may be directly related to the relationship itself, your communication skills, your
intimate relationship, jealousy, infidelity, physical or mental abuse or abnormal behaviour patterns.
However, the most common things
couples argue about are money, sex, work, children, and housework - roughly in that order. Most rows start because of differences
of opinion, but with patience and basic communication skills you should be able to negotiate a compromise.
When
is the right time?
Far
too many couples leave Counselling until it's too late. By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and
resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt blocks out any chance of change. If you're experiencing any of the
following, maybe now is the time to consider counselling:
- When you talk to your partner, it feels as though you're hitting a brick wall.
- Your
conversations just go round and round in never-ending circles.
- After you've talked, you feel frustrated and confused.
- You can't talk for
more than a few minutes without it turning into a shouting match.
- You're afraid that if you bring up a certain subject, things will get even worse.
- There's nothing left to say.
Together or alone?
Ideally, you should go to counselling together: it's hard to build
a team if only half the players are there. Often, if one person makes the decision to give counselling a try, the partner
will decide to go too.
If your partner flatly refuses to join you, there are lots of things counselling can help you sort out on your own. There
may be changes you can make alone that will have a positive impact on your relationship. Some people also prefer to have counselling
on their own at first to work out their feelings before seeing another Counsellor as a couple.
Counselling will help you
to work through the following three steps:
1. Exploring your story - the
nature of the problems and what impact they're having on you and your relationship. The history of how the problems arose
and what changes you'd like to see.
2. Understanding your story - why you're struggling with these problems
and the things that may be preventing you from overcoming them.
3. Rewriting your story - finding
the strengths and resources to resolve your difficulties, or at least make them more bearable.
For many
couples, the solution is right under their noses - it just takes someone objective to see what
it is. It's like the saying "You can't see the wood for the trees" - counsellors are
trained wood-spotters!
For many couples, the solution is right under their noses - it just takes someone objective to see what it is.
It's like the saying "You can't see the wood for the trees" - counsellors are trained wood-spotters!
If you find the same old issues come up over and over again, or as soon as one issue's
resolved another crops up, then there's more going on than meets the eye. Below are some common reasons.
Fighting for your deeper needs:
Couples often use topics such as money, sex or housework
to fight for their deeper needs within a relationship.
For example, an argument over who should pay for what may really be about where the responsibility lies
and who's got the power in this situation. Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth.
And arguing about how often to have sex is nearly always about feeling loved and cared for and deeper needs for connection
and affection.
Hidden pay-offs:
For some couples arguing actually plays a beneficial role, as it may be the only time they get to share
their feelings. It can also add excitement to a relationship or be a way of getting attention.
Arguing can
be worth the pain because of the joy of making up. And when you make up you get to reaffirm your love for each other.
If you find the same old issues come up over and over again, or as soon as one issue's resolved another
crops up, then there's more going on than meets the eye. Below are some common reasons.
Unresolved
issues:
Sometimes people find they're fighting battles that have far more to do with the past than the present.
Feelings of rejection or betrayal in childhood can create hot buttons that partners press without realising.
For example,
a partner whose parent left suddenly in childhood may find themselves overreacting to a hastily arranged business trip. Or
a partner who was always forced to do gardening as a punishment when a child may become irrationally angry when asked to mow
the lawn.
Sensitive subjects:
If there are taboo subjects in your relationship that always cause a storm, you need to mention them more often.
If you don't, they can become time bombs. Taboo subjects can include things such as a forgotten birthday or a time when
you felt your partner wasn't there for you. Often it's something that represents a serious breach of trust such as
an affair or a breaking of confidence. Burying old relationship problems is OK, but you have to make sure they're dead
first.
Just remember:
beneath the surface of an argument often lurks a much
deeper issue, desperate to be let out and looked at - and you'll keep on arguing until you do.
Possible outcomes of Counselling may be:
Lump it – for some reason change isn’t possible,
but you decide there is enough about your relationship that makes you want to stay together.
Leave it – you and your
partner can’t or won’t change and you decide to split up
Change it – you and your partner decide to alter the
situation, and work together to make changes so that the relationship improves.
If there is violence
Violence or threats
of violence are never acceptable in any relationship. If arguments are always aggressive or you avoid conflict because you’re
scared things may get our of control, you need support. You can
contact any Police Station or check out Yellow Pages for other supportive
agencies that you can contact for instant assistance.
